my green grass

there are certain traits i see in people that i believe have existed since the beginning of time: the inclinations to love, laugh, fight, feel jealous, and indulge, just to name a few. as long as there have been communities of people, certain emotions or behaviors must have existed. on that note, i think it's only part of human nature to be dissatisfied with what we have. at least a little bit. it seems to be one of the most difficult things in the world to think of our lives, with everything we have acquired in them, as complete.

for instance, i talked to my sister last night, who is struggling to take this thing she's been wanting and working for, something that she's now achieved, and arrive at a stable and content place with it. it was something everyone (including she) thought she wanted, and now that it's here she seems unhappy. she's having just as hard a time as the rest of us figuring out why.

just as i found myself becoming a little worried about her, i began to worry myself. lately, i've been feeling sort of bitter and on-edge, and will seemed to discover it before i did. this morning he was worried that i wasn't happy with him lately. at that moment, reality slapped me in the face. of course i was happy, especially with him. he's the best thing that's happened to me yet in this city. somehow i had forgotten how grateful i once was to have someone like him with me, doing nice things for me and pumping me up all the time. why haven't i been showing it?

with all that i have, do i dare feel ungrateful? and i realize i have a really great life. i'm living in chicago, like i'd planned, making enough money to live in an expensive city, and spending my spare time with a guy who's always making me feel good about myself. i'm healthy and i have amazing friends and family.

i read an article not long ago about scientists trying to figure out the evolutionary function of faith. in terms of survival of the human race, what purpose does it serve? and what is it about believing the grass is greener elsewhere that serves us as humans? maybe it makes us ambitious. it keeps us alive and trying every day to make things better for ourselves. maybe, to an extent, believing our own grass isn't green enough helps us continue to improve. on the other hand, would it hurt our ambition that badly if we could just be happy?

i think forgetting to feel grateful and happy is inevitable for nearly everyone. some forget more often than others do. personally, i believe in happiness over ambition, anyway. so i'm going to try my hardest to stop forgetting to be happy.

ufc

another work blog. just finished lunch and i bought a couple of things on sale at gap just before coming upstairs and clocking back in. oh yes.

i need a haircut. i'd like to have it a lot shorter than it is now. i'm sick of dealing with this much hair. i haven't decided what i want yet, but i need a change. something relatively short with long bangs that i can straighten. that's how far i've gotten. i have to wait until my next paycheck, anyway.

this weekend will made me watch ufc, which is ultimate fighting championship, on pay per view. in the morning i had declared "i will not watch ufc. if you want to watch it, that's fine, but i will find something else to do." when i went home for a few hours, i started to think about all the things he does for me that he may not want to do. i got ready and went to his place (rather, he picked me up) and i watched ufc. by the last fight, i had gotten so into it i was yelling at the tv for couture to punch the other guy right in the face. i wanted him to win so bad! i had expected ufc to be really dirty fighting, and it was actually very technical and very clean and entertaining.

i'm running on the treadmill tonight as soon as i get home. literally right away. then i'll do laundry. it's all about productivity when there's no sunlight to keep me going.

pheasant alfredo

i was out of work for two days. sick with some mysterious illness that involved my arms and legs getting numb. being the way that i am, i panicked. it came to a head last night when will came over and i was crying and thinking i was going to die because i'd made the horrible mistake of checking out my symptoms on the internet. thankfully, will called his dad who reassured me i was probably okay but that i should go to the doctor soon. next week wednesday. and i actually have benefits this time!

i'm such an anxious hypochondriac sometimes. who would have known? i've always been so stable and happy. i still am.

anyway, i'm back to work today and feeling okay. i drank lots of water and some green tea. last night after the panic subsided will made me alfredo pasta with pheasant meat (from rodney again). i'm laughing out loud right now thinking about it. it was very good. exactly like chicken, and dare i say just a little tastier. we've really become good at preparing elegant dishes from gamey meat. half up north, half city people. a little hick mixed with a little sophistication. that's what we are.

and i just want people to know i'm happy. very happy.