someday you will be loved

i rediscovered an old blog of mine from early summer 2005. it was composed two years ago, yet upon reading its entries while sitting at my desk yesterday it felt more like twenty.

i was in madison going to school and living on orchard street, and i was in intense recovery from a breakup. i remember creating the blog as a form of rehab. just trying to "open up some kind of parachute," i wrote. writing has always been therapeutic for me, especially while i'm doing it. i was able to take the mess i had in my head for 24 hours and turn it into a few organized paragraphs. i'm finding that reading it a few years later is helpful, too. i had forgotten how i felt at that time. mentally and physically immobilized, it seemed. stuck, but actively making plans on where to go, who to call, and what to think next. i was very troubled, but i knew what to do to help myself.

today my mind is clear, and i'm able to evaluate the situation better than before. i no longer believe i was heartbroken over love lost, because it wasn't love at all. it was fondness, and it was mutual respect. instead, i was mourning the loss of the daily companionship i had and beating myself up for not being what he wanted. of course, there are others who care for me and give me companionship, and becoming what he wanted would have meant being someone i'm not -- someone i wouldn't have even liked. even the minor adjustments i made to maintain the relationship for those few months were uncomfortable. i was a complete person then, just as i am now. someone would have to love me for what i was, no assembly required.

something i knew even then was that my grief would be temporary. just as the gash on my forehead that i used to hide with bangs healed to almost nothing, so did my emotional pain from that summer. add to that the fading memories of what was really a flawed relationship, meeting new people and moving onto new things and, two years later, i'm a new person. i'm truly grateful today that we went our separate ways that summer, or i wouldn't have been able to find will, and he's more special to me than anyone ever was. i was aware of this in my blog, saying that i was "one step closer to finding the person who couldn't imagine life without me." it made me proud of myself to read that.

i guess i originally was hesitant to return to that blog, afraid i would wind up reading about all this pain i'd felt, or insistence that we should have gotten back together. when i did finally read it yesterday i was happy to see that, even then, i was okay. i was strong.

i've listened to this death cab song thousands of times since their album came out in the summer of '05. sometimes i felt like it was written for me. it was a truth that i had to hear in order to move forward. but it made me wonder when i would reach the conclusion the song was pointing me to. when would someday be today? now, two years later, i've arrived.

death cab for cutie. someday you will be loved

i once knew a girl in the years of my youth
with eyes like the summer, all beauty and truth
in the morning i fled, left a note and it read:
someday you will be loved.

i cannot pretend that i felt any regret
'cause each broken heart will eventually mend
as the blood runs red down the needle and thread
someday you will be loved

you'll be loved, you'll be loved
like you never have known
and memories of me will seem more like bad dreams
just a series of blurs, like i never occurred
someday you will be loved

you may feel alone when you're falling asleep
and every time tears roll down your cheeks
but i know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
someday you will be loved